I’ve been thinking about my job lately.
I dropped off some stuff to a friend this morning on the way to work and she stopped me to have a pretty serious talk about my career choices; where I am, where I could go. She is a former coworker, but a longtime friend from back when we were both 19 and working at the mall part time in the evenings.
At some point, listening to her, I said, “I think I have Stockholm Syndrome.”
Yeah, no one is holding me hostage to my job. The potential for change sounds totally logical. Everything makes sense. Except in my head I see my current age and the age at which I am expected to end my employment. Few people are here past the age of 55. Should I stay, or should I go?
I’ve been working in such a fast-paced, high demand job for so long, I have to hide my phone in a drawer in my free time or turn off my email and silence my calls and texts to help myself disconnect. Otherwise, my mind will be in constant focus upon the mounting email count I am not looking at, the inbound text messages urging me to look at those emails and respond, and the phone calls, which are thankfully the last-ditch effort as people hate to make actual phone calls in 2018.
No doubt this is living on borrowed time. And not just because my company lives and dies by a ninja cost-conscious /cutting culture, either. My stats are not too bad. I was able to drive down my cholesterol from a blisteringly high 260 to under 190 this year. My BP is good, and steady over the last 4 years, my glucose is great. I’m a little Pillsbury Doughboy around the middle still, but I have somehow managed to make it through with my ego intact.
Health stats do not fully capture stress, and even if stress were not a factor (what job does not involve stress), what the hell am I doing with my life right now that I could not do in some other way, like a non-profit way, and turn these skills into something very productive to give back?
What is the right time when the only time I have is right now?
I will continue to tend the garden when it all gets to be too much while I’m thinking this one through.
I have a wild amount of tiny cherry tomatoes on the grow, and carrots, dill, a bunch of types of basil (Thai, Fiesta and Regular), some curry plants, and a host of non-edibles and native wildflowers. They went in during early June and are looking amazing now. I was watering them last night for a good, long time. It has been 100 or more degrees week over week, and while the tomatoes and the natives love the heat, some of the others are cowering.
The agave is one of my favorite plants. It is so hearty. I have two of them, Agave1 and Agave2, very aptly named.
One word of caution, if you plant marigolds, those little f’ers will take over. They are the gift that keeps on giving. I had to replant 2 other plants last night to make sure they were not suffocated by the marigold throng happening around and about.
I wanted to leave you with a post of one of my favorite poems. The 3rd stanza is my fave. I sometimes repeat it in my head when I’m at work and I need a mental break, need to think about a walk in the woods.
We ran as if to meet the moon…
Going for Water
Robert Frost, 1874 – 1963
The well was dry beside the door,
And so we went with pail and can
Across the fields behind the house
To seek the brook if still it ran;
Not loth to have excuse to go,
Because the autumn eve was fair
(Though chill), because the fields were ours,
And by the brook our woods were there.
We ran as if to meet the moon
That slowly dawned behind the trees,
The barren boughs without the leaves,
Without the birds, without the breeze.
But once within the wood, we paused
Like gnomes that hid us from the moon,
Ready to run to hiding new
With laughter when she found us soon.
Each laid on other a staying hand
To listen ere we dared to look,
And in the hush we joined to make
We heard, we knew we heard the brook.
A note as from a single place,
A slender tinkling fall that made
Now drops that floated on the pool
Like pearls, and now a silver blade.